Keeping with my New Year’s holistic experiment, I decided to gravitate toward something really new and unusual: Scalar Wave Therapy. Never heard of Scalar Waves? Me neither. Last October I purchased a session of Scalar Wave therapy for the Misses as part of a day’s worth of odd-ball pampering that also included a session in a sensory deprivation tank and a deep tissue massage. She’s much more open-minded to trying unusual or at least less-known stuff, so I booked her an appointment with Lexington Center for Integrative Health (LCIH). Acting as my guinea pig, she gladly immersed herself into the world of the medically peculiar. Following her session, she gave me a detailed description of the room, the process and a play-by-play of her experience. I decided I had to try this Scalar stuff myself someday soon, but not too soon.
Let’s start at the beginning: What are Scalar Waves? I won’t bore you with pages of plagiarized internet regurgitation, but here is the general gist. Scalar Waves are also known as Tesla Waves or sometimes Longitudinal Waves. Here’s the science part: they’re invisible, travel at superluminal speeds (faster than the speed of light) and they can pass through anything without losing strength (even the earth’s core). They’re not electromagnetic but rather pure “zero point” energy. And best of all, they smell like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. Too cool, right? Ok, that last part was just a test to make sure you are paying attention.
Here’s the X-Files part: Scalar Wave Treatments are supposed to zero out any electromagnetic sensitivities you may have. It gets rid of excess build-up of cell phone and overhead power line and computer frequencies built up in your cells. It’s like a technology enema. Along with decompressing from the everyday bombardment of energies, other claims are made on various websites, from curing cancer and AIDS to using them as a free energy source. There are also ugly claims ranging from weather control, mass population infection and even alien contact. It seems like anything new and cool immediately veers toward conspiracy theories. The LCIH makes no such claims. They pitch it simply as a relaxing detox from everyday electronic influence. They compare it to that first deep clean breath of country air drawn in after leaving the city smog behind.
The office building where LCIH is located happens to be the same location that houses my insurance agent, so I was familiar with the building. It’s a nice place in a nice neighborhood near the Woodland Triangle. The lobby felt similar to that of a massage center. Lights were dimmed and welcoming. Soft music played. The receptionist and I chatted, conversing about the weather and lunch. Then I was led into the “treatment” room. It looked like a typical unassuming office. The space was about twelve feet by twenty feet, had acoustic ceilings and some art on the walls. The lights were off and the windows were covered with blinds. Two types of chairs were available: a few leather lounge chairs and several of those zero-gravity lawn chairs that leaned way back, nearly horizontal. I was told to relax and kick off my shoes. I was also offered a blanket since optimal treatment is to just fall asleep.
The Scalar Waves were delivered via a series of computer monitors. Scrolling colors and gibberish flashed across the screens. No two monitors looked the same. I tried to watch the screens for a while thinking I might be able to decipher the Matrix code, but I couldn’t. I kicked back, closed my eyes and waited. Then the circus arrived. It had been a particularly rough day at the office and my thoughts raced. Plus, I’m a side/belly sleeper, so cranking out some Z’s on my back was a challenge. I attempted to relax again. Finally the circus stopped and I was at peace. The recommended time period for full effect is two hours. I had been out for a while, so I decided to break all the rules and turn my cell phone on to check the time. Surely I was at least half way through my session. I cursed my dependability on the little electronic device as it slowly powered on. The display illuminated. I checked the time. Fifteen minutes had passed! Fifteen fucking minutes!!!
A wave of boredom crashed over me like I haven’t felt since I was a little kid, forced to go shopping with my mother instead of playing outside. I reset and attempted to relax again. It was difficult going, but I did clear my head just long enough to get a creeping headache. By now an hour had passed. I gathered my things, laced up my shoes and left the Scalar world. I was told two hours was the max, and that an hour for my first session was fine. I was also told the headache was from detoxing. I was offered some peppermint oil for my temples and some bath salts for when I returned home. I gladly took both figuring it was part of the whole experience and left.
It’s hard for me to say definitively whether or not I think this particular treatment had an effect. In the mainstream medical world, one treatment is not effective at treating anything. Chemo, rehabilitation, a shrink…they all take time for treatment to become effective. For me, this experience was more about the potential, the possibility, of there being something else out there. At one time people who got massages were creeps and yogis were hippie freaks, but now both are ingrained into American society as much as apple pie.
At bare minimum it gave me reprieve from the world for a little while. In the constant chaos of an American city, renting a quiet room away from work and bills, kids and responsibilities for a couple of hours is worth the ticket price. I could probably achieve a similar effect by placing a comfortable recliner in my office closet, but it’s just not the same as getting away for a while. The possibility that this Scalar stuff might have a health benefit is an added bonus.
I think I might like to give it another whirl. My Agent Scully disposition prohibits me from uninhibited enjoyment of unique things sometimes. I’m working on that. And who knows if this Scalar Wave stuff works or not? If you believe in something hard enough, it’s bound to make some positive difference. So who am I to naysay? Hell it might just be a big old sugar pill! But what’s the problem? Who doesn’t like a little sugar? Win-win!